When I want to turn away from something – an experience, a feeling, a person – I have to ask myself why. What about the experience am I rejecting? What within myself is afraid to face it? Am I turning away by conscious choice, or am I reacting out of fear?
Usually, it’s when things don’t go the way I expected, or how I want them to go. Like waking up last Monday morning with a back that did not want to move. I laid there, feeling the pain, and saw the thought, “I don’t want this to be happening.”
It took a lot of effort to roll out of bed, and even more to lift my arms high enough to clothe myself. I couldn’t bend over, even though the night before I easily did several stretches. Simply twisting slightly to one side was enough to cause a silent yelp. The why escaped me. “What did I do?” I wondered.
After stocking up on herbal anti-inflammatories, I went back home to rest. With my legs up on the chair, and my back on the floor, I focused on my breath. It led me to the base of my spine, the area of the tailbone. All my awareness shifted to my sacrum. Energy and breath began to flow up my spine to the crown of my head. Though my movement was restricted, the energy was showing me where it wanted to go.
I visualized healing. I felt my heart open. And, in attempts to “feel better,” I almost forgot the most important piece: to go into the pain.
There – at the base of my spine – all the way up through my rib cage, into the center of my back, and even spreading up into my neck – was a messenger. I was in such a hurry to get rid of its presence, I neglected to open the envelope.
Everything has its medicine for the soul.
Every experience is a teacher.
Each symptom is a call for attention.
Now, just over a week later, with much more range of movement, I see what I couldn’t yet see the day the pain set in. And I’m still seeing. What has occurred with my spine is a deep process of release. I can’t dictate how long it will take, though my mental mind would prefer it hurried itself up. The medicine takes as long as it needs to take.
In taking the time to touch the pain, I’ve discovered how much I long to feel safe. Supported. How much my soul desires complete and total surrender into the depth of what I’m here to do, and yet it must move through the trauma and pain I’ve experienced that has created these deep – multi-lifetime – fears.
It was not always safe. I fear it won’t be now. I fear I will, once again, be killed or tortured for speaking out against a corrupt system that prizes some more worthy than others. I fear the repercussions of calling out the mass orchestration throughout history against the power of woman. I fear not having enough when living in a society that prizes doing over being.
Despite these fears, based on real-life experiences, I know – in the depths of my soul – they cannot hold me back any longer. I am coming out of my safe hiding place no matter what because I can’t imagine life any other way. I’m not here for any purpose other than to live and breathe and be the truest essence of my soul in the here and now.
I’m sick and tired (literally) of fighting what I know to be more real than my physical eyes can ever take in.
My body is so wise. It helps me to gain true vision, so I might receive its message and know true healing.
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