I almost neglected writing a blog this week because I have way more feelings than thoughts. It’s not as easy to put them on paper. So often, when a feeling arises, we try to analyze it. If it doesn’t “make sense,” it is easy to tell ourselves we “shouldn’t” feel that way and shove it aside.
I’ve learned it doesn’t quite work that way. The more I rationalize my feelings, the less I actually feel them. That’s not to say I don’t journal about them, or follow them in my mind to discover the root belief underneath. But none of that can take the place of simply sitting with what’s coming up, as it’s coming up.
Many of my feelings this week have been triggered by old memories. I’ve become aware of how much I have always hid myself to avoid being judged or ridiculed. It felt much safer to hang my head and do my best to appear invisible. When I did show myself – through intellectual achievement – people didn’t really see me. They saw my title. My status. My authority. Even though I was seen all of the time as a criminal prosecutor, it is very different than being seen simply for being me.
As I open and expose myself to the world – through my book and business – I cannot hide. The parts of me that resist being seen are becoming more apparent. It would be easy to simply judge them as “getting in my way.” However, telling myself that would only repeat the cycle. Those parts are afraid they will not be heard. They are afraid of being overlooked or invalidated. They are afraid of not mattering.
If I cast them out, how will those parts of me know they deserve love?
I owe it to myself to hold these fears with loving attention, for clearly they originate from a wound. The wound of not being accepted by others.
If it were a physical wound, I would tend to it, giving it whatever it needs to heal. Why should I treat an emotional wound any differently? Poking it with the needle of judgment or self-criticism wouldn’t do anything but make me feel worse.
All those wounded parts want are love. Pure, simple love. I see you. I hear you. I’m here with you. Period. Over time, they don’t need so much attention, because the wound itself heals completely.
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