Love the hell out of it

The month of January has been one of digging down and deep. I’ve kept low to the ground, as all my energy poured into my writing. It’s difficult to extend energy outward when so much energy is needed for the roots themselves to grow. My book is like my root system. It has been a form of soul evolution the past several years.

When I write, I learn. My head knows how to access the deepest truths and vulnerabilities of my heart. They come out on paper, sometimes to my own surprise. It has taken a long time to gain the courage to expose so much of myself.

I had grown accustomed to hiding. It felt safer than risking rejection, disagreement, or disapproval. When other people didn’t like me, I simply assumed the problem was me. I could fix myself or conform to their expectations. Then, I might win their approval.

The same approach, adopted at a very young age, spilled over into my relationships. Most of the time, I kept men at arm’s length to avoid the threat of too much intimacy. Vulnerability wasn’t my skillset. Intimacy necessitates vulnerability.

Vulnerability is synonymous with being seen.

I did not want others to see me. If I showed only the “perfect,” “always right,” “know everything” parts, I could assure acceptance. There would be no reason to judge or condemn me. This strategy completely negated the possibility of authentic connection.

If I expressed my fears, weaknesses, or deepest feelings, they would deem me weak, inferior, or wrong because I judged myself for not being “good enough.” My own lack of self-acceptance was projected onto others before they had a chance to reject me.

When my ex-husband started to tell me I was “too intelligent” or “too powerful” or “too good,” it confused me. Those had always been looked upon as strengths and reasons to value me. Yet, suddenly, they were problems. Yet again, I resorted to denying what another person deemed “bad” or “unlovable.”

If he couldn’t accept me, I couldn’t accept me. This tactic of gaining love from another left me in a pit of despair. I was never enough. Never right. Never what he wanted.

I know I’m not the only one who been trained to see myself through the eyes of others. My entire life was defined by the value assigned by the outside world, rather than the value I found within my very own being. This belief system keeps us trapped in cycle of unworthiness. It will never end until we jump off and stop looking outside of ourselves for love.

It sounds simple, right? It’s not. There are thousands of years of conditioning to bust through, one beautiful layer at a time. However, it is easy to access the source of love inside our bodies. All we need do is turn our eyes inward and stop looking for definition outside of ourselves.

How could I reveal my truest self to others when I didn’t accept who I was?

I had to deem myself valuable, even if another person didn’t. I had to know my worth despite another’s judgment. I had to acknowledge my own feelings rather than waiting for someone else to validate them. Only by radically accepting my darkest parts — and loving them — could I stand tall amongst critics.

Putting my book into the world is no different. There will be people who don’t like me or my writing. My experiences and teachings are radical for a lot of people. But I’m not trying to convince anyone of anything. It’s me. It’s my experience. It thus has value.

Is there something in yourself you have been afraid to show your partner, or your family, or the world? Look at it. Hold it in your arms. Love the hell out of it. Then, show it when you’re ready. Your own radical self-acceptance is strong enough to fend off any attack.

I’m here to support you on your journey of reclamation. Private coaching is available for women who confuse “love” with self-denial. It is up to you to claim yourself as EQUAL and worthy of true love and connection. Schedule a free 20-minute consultation here.

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